Talk to the Hand

Medicine for the soul…

Happy Friday!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

” Friend texted me and asked “what does IDK stand for?” I said “I don’t know” she replied “OMG! nobody does!” ”

” Dear life, When I said “can my day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. ”

” I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket” ”

” This is part your fault too. Don’t tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.”

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop…”

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to think I was indecisive… now I’m not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Dear Humanity,
If so many things taste like us, then why not eat THEM.
Sincerely, Chickens

Dear age is just a number,
Jail is just a room.
Sincerely, Anonymous.

Dear Internet,
When I type “candy” into the search bar, I’m not looking for a naked person.
Sincerely, trying to decorate a poster for school!

Dear Glitter,
You are the herpes of all arts and crafts.
Sincerely, it’s everywhere!

…A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him, proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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